That girl leaning over the railing.

I've been passing by your profile for a while now. Occasionally I'll look to see if you've posted any new cheesecake pics, and to be honest, your sexuality is intimidating. Your face is always obscured.You maintain a veil, a layer of separation from the viewer. Your profile is provocative and baffling, alluring and unapproachable, It's all I've ever wanted and nothing I can have. It's a metaphor for my experience with women.Especially online where you have all the power. No matter how sincere I try to make my messages, the majority of them are ignored. I don't know if it was something I said or the way I look. I suppose it's perfectly reasonable from a security standpoint for you to conceal your identity, but why did you choose to make your profile such an invitation? It's not strictly porn, but it is you exposed. What do you gain from it?

I deactivated my account for a while once I thought I found a compatible partner, but things didn't work out. So here I am again, wading in the dating pool, watching all the lovely swimmers and their skimpy new suits, to bashful to talk to anyone and being so awkward as to embarrass myself. I don't know what I expect to find here or why I decided to finally message you. I don't even expect you to respond. I know that as a man, I am supposed to be brash and full of confidence to attract a mate, but I just don't have those kinds of skills. I missed that boat somehow. However, the more I think about it, I've always been an introvert trapped in an extroverts life. I became the entertainer to try and defeat my fear and self doubt. It's the only thing I feel I really do well. It makes me wonder why I don't work harder to perfect my craft. Perhaps those nagging demons in my head are the ones who refuse to let me break through this wall of self sabotage.

I saw lots of happy couples tonight, and when I examine their appearance, it's evident that there isn't anything physically wrong with me. There were guys who look like me and shaped like me with beautiful girls at their sides, helping each other stumble through the parking lot.I'm not a bad looking guy and on occasion I have been accused of being handsome. So there must be something else keeping me from finding that perfect partner. I wonder if I have already met the "right one" and ruined it somehow. Those demons of guilt and self loathing torment me at night. I suspect that it's a "Catch 22" situation, a black spiral. I prevent myself from making connections with attractive women because of my depression, then my loneliness makes me even more depressed.

Rarely, a lovely muse will come and make it painfully apparent that she is interested in me. It breaks the cycle and gives me a glimmer of hope that I am not beyond redemption. Those relationships have an expiration date of approximately two years, based on previous experience. I have to stop myself from getting into the mindset that there is only one special girl compatible with me. The "One-itis" way of thinking is a leap into the wrong rabbit hole; If I haven't found the one yet, then there must be something wrong with me. I have to find my own hope if no one will come along, though it's really hard to carry on sometimes.